Prepare your pockets – a source close to the inner circle of politics has revealed a secret plan to raise the at-pump cost of petrol to $4 a litre by Christmas.

Our whistleblower, who has asked not to be named for fear of reprisals, works closely within the Labour party and decided to speak out today after the Prime Minister inferred New Zealander’s complaints about the rising costs were unjustified and unreasonable.

Jacinda Ardern asserted this morning on Breakfast that “the increases they [low income families receiving family tax credits] are getting will far outstrip fuel prices” claiming that the average family was $75 better off a week.

“In reality, this isn’t true” argues our source. “It’s misleading to use the word ‘average’ because it’s not a true representation of the sample group. It’s just quick maths.”

“Most families who receive FTC and WFF [Family Tax Credits and Working For Families] actually saw an increase of between $15 and $40 which is nowhere near the $75 the Prime Minister tries to convince us most families are getting.”

“What little increase they get is already being eaten up by increased food and living costs, and it doesn’t take into consideration people who don’t get the tax credits at all but are still on low incomes and struggling.”

We then turned to the issue at hand, and the implications are both shocking and deeply concerning.

Reports are coming in of high prices, but this may be only the beginning.
Photo credit: South Island Independence Movement

It seem there is a panel of influential A-listers and top politicians, the identities of which are top-secret, who are planning to push forward and increase the proposed ACC levy from 1.9c to 5c a litre, as well as bumping up the regional and local authority levies around the country.

This would also raise the GST cost, the ‘tax on tax’, bringing the cost up even further.

The increases would be delivered in small equal amounts steadily over the next few months.

“I saw a brief of the proposal which was left in a bathroom and thought at first it must be a prank, but after I left I got to thinking and wanted to take another look. But it was gone when I returned, even though it had only been a few minutes.”

“The names of the panel were redacted, but I have seen John Key in the building a few times recently, I wonder if he’s involved? He’s in the business of making money, after all.”

“All it said about them was that they were influential New Zealanders and included current and previous politicians.”

“I’ve had enough. I can’t make excuses for the increases any longer if they are going to put it up that high.”

A new Facebook group formed to protest the increases, No more petrol hikes! Boycott Z’s come on New Zealand! [sic] has inspired a great deal of discussion, with reports and images of the high prices flooding in from around the country.

high prices
A member of the facebook group No more petrol hikes! Boycott Z’s come on New Zealand! shares a photo taken from another group showing Waiheke Island prices.
Photo credit: Richie McIntyre/Facebook

One member shared screeenshot taken from another group, Mancave, where a poster in that group revealed prices in Waiheke Island had gone over the $2/ltr mark for diesel, while 91 was $2.76 – far higher than most other parts of the country, where prices are currently sitting anywhere between $2.40 and $2.50, with Canterbury, Southland and some parts of the Central North Island reportedly being hit the hardest.

If the reports are accurate, we ain’t seen nothing yet.

Disclaimer: In case it's not immediately obvious to you, we're a satire website. The content above is meant for entertainment purposes and contains hyperbole, blatantly false statements and should not be taken as fact. If you're upset by some of the content, we suggest immediately heading to your doctor and asking for a prescription for some concrete pills, and perhaps a therapist to help you figure out why you are upset by strangers' opinions on the internet.


  1. J Flintoff October 3, 2018, 8:39 PM at 8:39 PM

    Ridiculous,If this is gonna be the case you better tax diesel at the pump,In other words wipe the Rucs which is a complete and utter rip off,Diesel owners have been ripped off for many years,Wipe the Rucs i say,Many other kiwis will agree too

    1. maxine cooper October 5, 2018, 2:07 PM at 2:07 PM

      Really?? Cos I know a family who all have diesel utes and they dis-attach their odometers so they pay f&$k all for Rucs, and i’ll bet there are plenty of others who do it too.

  2. Evan October 4, 2018, 9:51 AM at 9:51 AM

    Who wrote crap sure petrol is expected to hit $3.00 we all knew that months ago because of Trump stopping the Iran deal and causing the tariff war creating a lot of strife around the world and the price per barrel of oil overseas going up fast with less production thanks to mr Trump but most of that has nothing to do with NZ at all. Most people I know get between $50 and $100 a week more in there pockets so the $15 to $45 mentioned in this story are a lie as they will be for people that are above low income but they still get extra from the government.

    1. Jo October 5, 2018, 9:18 AM at 9:18 AM

      Who cares whose fault it is that price is ridiculous

    2. M Roberts October 5, 2018, 1:45 PM at 1:45 PM

      Very few got $ 75 and even fewer $100 a week. from this so called “kind” Govt. Singles and couples without kids got nothing. I heard Jacinda Adern claim this morning (when he asked if she thought she could/should have not hiked the petrol tax) that the rise was all due to petrol companies before the Givt levy was added. She conveniently forgot her previous Auckland tax hike which the rest of the country are paying! He also reminded her of the fact that demand for food parcels has gone up 40% in the last year and that people were contacting him saying they were now forced to chose between food or fuel to get to work. She claimed more were accessing food parcels because they now knew they would get more support and help to do so, basically denying it had anything to do with her govt. She is turning into the same sort of seedy snide politician she claims the opposition are, truth is she and her Gvt are worse

  3. Natasha October 4, 2018, 4:55 PM at 4:55 PM

    Fck dat shit yeah w.t.f we all gonna need wat Fred flintstone nd Barney rubble had our feet undar our vehicles….

  4. Arna October 4, 2018, 7:09 PM at 7:09 PM

    Omg sort of not shocked thou, and diesel, yup everyone knows diesels the cheapest, and who even pays road fees for diesel, 2/50 everyone I know mostly put like 20 bux a month on it if that , or just turn there meter thing back manually, its quite easy, prices go up, poor get poorer, no extra wee payments from govt are going to make a difference ATM, everything’s going up up up, and low income earners including working people are still down down down, its not equal or half livable, its crazy, crazy!!

  5. Benji October 4, 2018, 8:55 PM at 8:55 PM

    LOL @ comments that don’t understand satire…

  6. Rob October 5, 2018, 8:52 AM at 8:52 AM

    This is insane these guys need to be stopped, One question that I would like to ask who owns all the petrol stations these days? what Nationality are they? As for Jacinda, Labour NZ First and the Greenies they are screwing this country. As a teenager I worked on oil drilling sites in the lower north Island and I can tell you every time we hit oil the wells were capped there is more oil under NZ than I care to imagine, Rob Muldoon (Winston Peter’s teacher and mentor) sold off the oil reserves to Hunt petroleum a big American consortium. We upgraded our oil refinery at Marsden point to cope with the heavy crude oil which lies beneath our feet and seas. Why are people so blind to these things? look at the price of a barrel of oil always priced in US dollars, then take at an American dollar bill, you will see on it “In GOD we Trust”, many of you think that this is the same God that religious people believe and trust in but No it stands for “Gold, Oil and Drugs, GOD”, why did Saddam Hussein get bumped off? Weapons of Mass Destruction? don’t make me laugh, links to Al-Qaida now I’m really laughing, he was a puppet of the USA and he said to them stuff you this Aid for Oil scheme isn’t working so I (Saddam Hussein) will sell my oil for Uro’s, Ausi dollars even NZ dollars, and then over night he had a full scale invasion on his hands and he supposedly had connections to Al-Qaida and weapons of mass destruction, which we all know is a bunch of lies, watch the movie “The Hurt Locker” sometime, and of course Gadhafi met with the same fate. Sadly anyone who stands up to these guys meets with an untimely end. Wake Up Everyone our politicians of every party and country are not out to help us they are all about filling their own pockets and agendas. Jacinda doesn’t give care in the world for this country, anymore than John Key, Helen Clark and the list goes on. Well that’s enough for one day.

    1. Davo October 10, 2018, 8:13 AM at 8:13 AM

      Great comment, I too have worked in the oil industry & I can confirm everything you have said!

  7. Aasa October 5, 2018, 12:50 PM at 12:50 PM

    Labour government do something about.losing fuel prices at pump for kiwis

  8. sharyn king October 6, 2018, 4:43 PM at 4:43 PM

    As a midwife who is still waiting for a promised payrise I am thinking that I may stop home visits for the first time in 20 years. We get no money to do it and if the women live in town there is no finance postnatally for visiting at home. REALLY!!!!!

  9. olivia October 7, 2018, 3:12 AM at 3:12 AM

    disgusting and criminal bastards, mountain bike here I come

  10. Kieron October 7, 2018, 3:41 PM at 3:41 PM

    I live on waiheke island and can attest to the truth of the prices for fuel here, it’s a joke! May just all not buy petrol for a day or two from any petrol station on the island, then they may have to lower their prices


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