Date Archives June 2018

Smoking to be banned in all public spaces throughout New Zealand

In a controversial move, all Councils around the country have agreed to enforce policies similar to that of Christchurch’s smokefree public places policy and ban smoking in all public spaces – not just those which are outdoor dining spaces attached to eating establishments. The landmark decision is yet to be finalised and likely to be implemented by September 2019, but indications are that the only places smokers will be only be able to light up on their own properties and in designated smoking areas. The policy will no longer be a voluntary option… Read More

Insider confirms there was no glitch during the DWTS voting period, “It was rigged to get rid of David”

Following the revelation that many viewers of the semi-final episode received texts last night claiming their submissions were invalid despite the voting period still being open, Mediaworks has today claimed it was a glitch resulting from a surge of votes which clogged the system. However, in an exclusive interview given to us by an insider working on the technical aspects of the popular show, the reality was not a glitch at all but really an attempt to see the high-profile polititian eliminated before the end game. “It was revenge,” the… Read More

“There is no such thing as free speech” School bans speeches; only approved topics allowed

The Board of Trustees of a high school in New Zealand has issued a new mandate banning the educational facility from allowing students to present or listen to speeches on any topic while on school grounds, unless it is one of the approved topics set by the board and has been presented to them in a private meeting in its entirety beforehand. The shock decision by the board, which came about after a unanimous vote, follows the fallout another school faced when they banned a student from speaking about mental… Read More

Jacinda Ardern gives birth to twins

Reports have come in that Jacinda Ardern has given birth to twins – a boy and a girl – late this morning at an unnamed private facility, after a 32 hour labour. Previous scans had not picked up the second baby nor had a seperate heartbeat been detected at any time. This is a rare occurrence today, but has been known to manifest even with regular pre-natal monitoring and care. A nurse who was present at a facility has spoken to us in secret, asking to be referred to using… Read More

Florida officials declare open season on rappers

Florida officials have today confirmed that rapper-hunting season is open following the takedown of up-and-coming performer Xxxtentacion. Known for his distinctive dreadlocks, often piled on top of his head and dyed, it is reported that the hunters fired at him from a moving vehicle. This form of hunting, often carried out at night with the use of powerful lights to illuminate the path in front (spotlighting) is prohibited in most cases in the Sunshine State. Officials are investigating the claim regarding how the specimen was taken, with a spokesman for… Read More

Extreme sports to be banned or heavily restricted under new Bill

A Bill proposing the banning of or heavy restrictions on all forms of extreme or high-risk sports is set to be submitted to Parliament this week which stands to impact many sports which New Zealanders currently enjoy. High up on the banned list includes rock climbing and abseiling, base jumping, hang-gliding, and hunting; while all forms of motorsport, skiing/snowboarding, boxing, competitive martial arts, tramping and most ball sports will face tight restrictions. The Bill is the brainchild of Anne Tolley, who has previously held a range of high-level portfolios including… Read More

Clamper boss gets clamped: The shoe is on the other tyre

The owner of cowboy operation Elite Services, known for their ruthless clamping of the elderly, the grieving, and anyone stopped for a little over 120 seconds; and the superhuman speed of their employees in applying the torturous devices, has in a surprising twist of fate had all four of his wheels clamped by persons unknown outside his lavish home in Auckland for parking over his own driveway. It would seem that the tables have been turned on the parking management mogul, perhaps in retaliation for his latest comments. In an… Read More

Drone enthusiasts interrupt prestigious exhibition, competitors and spectators retaliate

Competitors and spectators at the annual Golden Fleece event, held in Wanaka during the region’s A&P show last weekend, have said “get stuffed” to drone enthusiasts. It has come to this author’s attention that on the second day of the much-loved annual exhibition – which sees wool growers from around the country show off the finest coats their sheep have to offer – the event was rudely interrupted by an unruly mob of an entirely different kind. It has been reported that the first sign of trouble was a loud… Read More